August 11, 1986
Day One

I’ve selected a spot on the north ridge of the basin. Fine view of Fish Lake Valley and far, far into Nevada
— three, four ranges visible to the east before the desert haze pulls down the curtain. Weather has been
dismal lately — light rain two days ago, hail, sleet, and high winds yesterday, and threatening clouds
most of today. The elements have a forceful way of making one realize his utter insignificance.

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I’m particularly attuned to omens, and there was a promising one yesterday. After prying a damaged fingernail loose two weeks ago on a climb in Tuolumne Meadows, I had taped it down firmly in hopes of saving it. The nail would not heal. It turned black and became very tender. I soon lost hope that it could be saved, and feared that once gone, forever gone. Ridiculous, I know, but I’d grown attached to it. As I was cleaning it yesterday, it came off. To my surprise, a healthy new nail had already begun to grow in. New life under the husk of the old.

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For the last few days, beginning in Yosemite and continuing here in the Whites, I have felt my heart in my throat several times. I seem to be unusually emotional lately for no particular reason except the reliving of precious memories. Perhaps, too, I feel my aloneness more keenly. Maybe I have seen how time accelerates and how bittersweet life can be. Maybe I realize how much I do love the people in my life, reluctant though I am usually to acknowledge the bond. I don’t mind these feelings at all. Any emotion at all is welcome; I’ve been shut off from these feelings for years.

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I came to the edge of Tres Plumas Flat on my last major hike in the Whites when I pulled up and stopped. The view into Fish Lake Valley had arrested my attention. I suspect the fasting had begun to intensify my seeing, or maybe it was a particular configuration of clouds and shadows on the valley floor that seemed to open a door on eternity. Suddenly, I was keenly aware of the delicate hues that permeated the atmosphere. I felt like I had awakened after a long period of sleep. I sat down on a boulder and gazed into this fascinating display for a long time. It seemed so incredibly real and vivid, three dimensions with more teasing the senses from beyond. I had not seen the desert like that since I was in Saline Valley back in March. Tragic. I’ve been in the Whites for months, and yet I’ve only been here for moments.

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The fasting is going well. Must watch the level of physical activity; I feel weakness beginning to come on.

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